Le Freak

2012-01-03T12:33:00.000-08:00

I woke up not long ago from what I thought was a fantastic dream. You know, those dreams where everything feels so vivid that you don't want to wake up. I was in a beautiful gown. Somehow it was satin and white, which is odd because I would personally not choose satin. Sleeveless with exposing half of my back as the cloth has a swoop effect to reveal it. I walk out of the room and somehow everyone was just gazing at me. I don't think it was my wedding, although it seems like it based on the details. Anyways, with all eyes on me, I only wanted to find one person. So I gracefully walk through some crowds to find that one person. I tap his shoulder and he turns around to look at me. He tells me that I look so beautiful that it hurts to look at me. Immediate butterflies and gushy feelings arise, but he walks away. I follow him, but he just repeats that I look too beautiful and he can't look at me. He walks away and disappears. I stand there, feeling very flattered at first because of his words. After, I realize that he left me alone. I stand there by myself while others are chatting away. I turn to the right of me and appears another person who felt like a friend (just kidding, the dream wasn't too vivid). He looks at me and has a big smile. He stands there with me for the rest of the time being until I woke up.

I laid in bed, awake, wishing that I could resume my dream and figure out who were those two guys. I dissected and reflected my dream. It came to the conclusion that I probably am blinded by a person's words and I need to pay attention to those who speak with action. When I woke up, the feelings felt so real. I truly felt the heart pounding and the butterflies when guy #1 told me I was beautiful, but did guy #1 really walk away from me because I was beautiful? I think not. Conclusion #2, I overthink way too many things. Anyways, this was one of my more different dreams I had that just so happened to come at the right time. Interesting. F*&^ my complicated self.

2012-01-02T01:04:00.000-08:00

Hm, first post of 2012. I had something in mind to write about, but instead I'll just talk about my New Year's Eve. The party itself was so chaotic and drama filled. Of course, I was only observing from afar. The party included quite a few people who I went to high school with and some friends whom I'm not very close to anymore or never really was! But I'm glad that some of my closer friends were present I spent the night with them.

The conversation of friendship has been trending amongst a few of my friends and myself lately. As another year passes by me, I'm fully understanding that people change and friends really do drift. And no matter how hard one tries, things just happen out of our control. It's a really sad topic to think about. Though we tell ourselves we are aware of this fact, it's totally different once it actually happens. I suppose I'm mentioning this because it's been happening to me with a numerous amount of my friends. I use to think that it was someone's fault, but now I realize that life is what happens. Significant others, distance, school, family, personal expectations. I think the one that hit me the hardest would be the peanut butter to my jelly. With almost half a year without speaking, I no longer felt angry, but devastated because it's so hard to watch a friendship being thrown away. Because of this situation, I stopped caring so much about friends and to an extent, life in general. Expectations is what killed me, which is why my new attitude is the famous "idgaf". Hopefully it'll make me more human by not expecting so much in the future. I don't want to end up being disappointed or hurt again. I also think that this is what brings out my asshole self, as stated in my previous post. I swear it's a protection layer for me because I can't deal with being disappointed anymore. I don't mean to be rude.

I haven't cut my hair in two years and I plan to cut it soon! Chinese superstition says that cutting your hair for the new year can contribute to your goodluck for the year. Maybe that's why my past two years have been like shit to me! I seriously need a change in my life and what better way to start with a new haircut and color. I'll miss my long hair though. It made me feel better about myself. Long hair is every girl's security for their appearance, which is why they say short hair reflects confidence in a girl. Well here's to 2012. Cheers.

2011-12-13T22:54:00.000-08:00

Last final tomorrow and I am hoping that I'll do fairly decent on it. Not expecting a miracle (although that would be nice) since I know it was my own fault that I did not set aside enough time to study for it. I hope I did well on the past two finals, especially my American popular culture class. One of the best classes ever. It's such a fun subject to learn about because it studies on what society was so interested at, in that particular time. Analyzing old 20s advertisements, Michael Jackson & ABBA music videos. Talking about George Michaels and Boy George. Awesome to the freaken max. I hope to take the history of rock and roll class as an elective sometime in the future. Oh, and I destroyed, revived, vomited on, and then destroyed again my debate final and it felt good. The only thing I'm proud of myself about is Communications. It's my thing, especially speech.

Shitting on debate final felt really good (HA). It feels like I haven't done something right in a long time; something that made me proud of myself. It makes me feel like I still have some hope in myself and I'm not that much of a worthless of a son-of-a-gun bastard after all.

Speaking of bastard, I've become one. If there's one thing that has changed about me during college, it's being a smart-mouthed bastard. It is not, I repeat, NOT being a party girl. Please. Being judged by Facebook sucks balls and having friends with party animal images does, as well. Some people have asked me if I party a lot now based on my pictures and friends, which is terrible because I never have a picture holding a cup or glass! Hahah oh wellz. Buying the Black Keys album tomorrow after I finish my final, yeeeaa-uh.

2011-11-28T21:16:00.000-08:00

Miss Van gave me her personal tumblr and reading it made me very sad. I totally feel what she's saying through her words. Helpless girls, that's what we are.

I'm so done with gamessss. I'm really devastated, but gotta stay on my grind. I'm trying... :)

2011-11-18T01:19:00.000-08:00

Frustrated.

My eyebrow hair isn't thick enough so it can't bring out my eyes or face features. Instead, I have to draw in artificial eyebrows to make it look thicker, yet I have to draw it in subtly and carefully because I don't want to make it look ghetto. Takes five minutes.
My single eyelid crease makes my eyes unattractive. Eyeliner can't even enhance the eyes because it gets covered anyways. Too much eyeliner makes me look like a hooker. Applying the right amount= ten minutes. Girls' average time= five minutes or less. My makeup dying out because the single eyelid crease smears it = two hours.

It's so hard to lack these features and actually feel good about myself. I can't be effortlessly beautiful. And even with makeup, I still can't feel that way. It's just so frustrating. And girls who have these features are very fortunate. I'm not complaining about how I'm ugly or unattractive, but I am complaining at the fact that it takes more effort for a girl who does not have these things to look pretty. And even so, she wouldn't look as beautiful as those girls who already have those features. Girls like me are average joes, overlooked in the crowd by the glittering eyes and petite face. This is all based on me and my perspective, by the way.

And guys who claim they like girls with no makeup, here's a big middle finger to you because majority of the girls who don't wear makeup are actually overlooked by you because they lack little features such as dark eyebrow hair and double eyelid crease, which does make a fucking difference. Without it, we look sleepy and our eyes look dead. What you guys mean to say is that you like girls with makeup, but look natural wearing it. Sorry, but not all girls have the luxury of doing that. You all swear like we want to wear loads of makeup on our faces.

Girls who have these features and think you're not pretty enough, shut the fuck up.

Just a rant that I want to write about because my makeup died tonight. And I didn't feel good standing next to so many beautiful girls in the room. All of whom I noticed, had nice, thick eyebrows with a double eyelid crease. It makes their makeup look good, too.

I apologize for the nearly suicidal post I had a couple weeks or month ago. It was a life-changing day that I wish to never experience again for the rest of my life. And I'm not even over-exaggerating. Very freaky.

I'm so annoyed of people. I'm done keeping connections with friends. It's fucking hard as fuck because friendship is a two-way street. Maintaing strong friendsips use to be important to me, but not anymore. I give too much love and concern about people who don't give a damn about me. I'm a goddamn kind-hearted bitch who always gets taken advantage of. Tired of this shit.

Other than my endless rants, life actually is pretty fine and smooth. Bombed my midterms? No problem. Hate the way I look? No problem. Confused about my major? No problem. Not gonna have the dream job I wanted? No problem. Have some shitty ass friends? No fucking problem. Life is so easy when you don't give a fucking damn and just start living. I don't care and I feel good.

2011-10-06T00:04:00.000-07:00

Because you deserve to talked about on everyone's Twitter, Facebook status, blogs, etc. After all, you did build and reconstruct the technology market that led to a significant change in our lives and we can't thank you enough for it. Not to mention, you picked up your intelligent self to create the movie studio Pixar. So, thank you for sharing your intelligence, words of wisdom, and remarkable story. I will forever turn to you, your words of wisdom, and (hopefully) your footsteps when I need guidance because you are, and forever will be, everyone's role model. Rest In Peace Steven Paul Jobs.

2011-09-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

This past week and a half made me realize who I'm not. Rushing and pledging for an Asian-interest sorority would probably have to be one of the craziest things I've done. I mean, come on, it's me -the girl who doesn't tolerate many things that aren't morally right, the girl who won't take orders from someone who doesn't have my respect. This decision was made out of curiosity. I see some of my high school classmates that have a whole different life once they had joined a sorority or fraternity and I sorta wanted that. I want a whole different lifestyle and maybe through that, I'd learn things that I've never learned about myself. Through this process, I believe I did though. I realized that I'm pretty proficient at analyzing a person's character. Let me just say that if someone seems controlling, rude person, and obviously fails at her attempt to be a leader, you're probably right. A person like this is definitely someone who I refuse to go through hardships with and in the end, call her my sister. Pathetic. Anyways, I don't regret the attempt because every experience really does make me wiser and stronger for the future. Plus, I met some lovely girls who I'm proud to call my current friends. I'm just sorry I can't go through this process together.

Aside from my unordinary, frustrating, and busy past week, my school year has been pretty good. Classes are fine and I'm still trying to find a job. Maybe I'll just start with an early internship? I joined some new clubs this year and hopefully that will be fun. Everything is pretty much chill and so, I'm not even going to complain about that. Despite everything I rant about, I'm so grateful for my life.

One thing I will complain/bitch about is someone I lost this summer. Not just any friend, but one of my best friends. Miscommunications led to one, big mistake that ruined everything. Like our group of friends, especially our best friend who is stuck in the middle because he can't stand seeing his two best friends not speak anymore.
I can't really look at you in the eye anymore. I don't even think I'll be able to forgive you. Perhaps, we could speak in the future. And if I could, I would tell you that I always loved the immature, foolish, and dorky guy I met years ago. I watched you slowly transform into some sort of handsome, flirtatious chick magnet, but I will always love you for you. I hope that as we go our separate ways as two individuals, you will stay true to who you are and remember to treat others how you would want to be treated.

2011-08-22T18:48:00.001-07:00

Great, I broke down in front of my sister. Apparently I'm dealing with serious self- esteem issues. I don't want to live the next years of my life trying really hard to think of what's so great about me and end up writing positive things about myself and posting it on my desk. I'm having such a hard time and it seems like no one can relate to me. Some tell me to stop thinking so negatively. Stop this mindset. And all this other obvious nonsense, but hello? You don't think I've tried everything already? Dear God, this is ridiculous. I know it's not anyone's fault but mine, but I'm so emotionally stressed out because I wake up every morning and I hate myself. Good company helps a lot. It gets my mind of things.

2011-08-17T17:47:00.000-07:00

Exhausted from this weekend because it was freaken amazing. I went to San Francisco with my roommates for Outside Lands. The experience was mind bottling. This was my first, big concert. Seeing the streets of San Fran, exploring Berkeley, being in a legit fraternity house, rocking out to my favorite bands, and seeing my good homies was just fantastic. I wish I could put in words better, but all I can say is that it was amazing. A little drama happened that really irritated me, but it all worked out in the end. Oh, I screamed when Alex Turner started singing because I couldn't believe I was seeing him live. I've listened to Arctic Monkeys since the 8th grade so it was a bit overwhelming for me. Black Keys performance was phenomenal. Mostly because I was really close to the stage and the whole front crowd were jumping together. Patrick on the drums, oh hot damn. A lot of pushing and shoving and I almost got trampled on, but now when I think about it, it was a very fun moment and will forever be a great memory.

School is starting soon and I'm quite nervous, but excited. Nervous because I hope I can handle my classes and actually excel this semester the way I envision it. I'm excited to be in the OC again and take a break from here. Being at home reminds me of how I'm so caged in, literally and figuratively. Though my mom is starting to understand that I'm growing up, she still has hell of a time letting go. Frustrating, indeed. And being at home reminds me of how so much has changed with me and my some of my friends. Or friend. Being here makes me feel that I'm not good enough because I don't think I really was. I couldn't meet up to other people's and my own expectations. And I'm reminded of that everyday when I wake up in 626.

I know this problem I have is my own challenge I need to get over. It's been dragging me down for a while, but really, only I can fix it.

2011-08-02T22:14:00.000-07:00

I always think to myself about the things I could do to be a better 'me'. I'm always trying to become the ideal girl I dreamed about being, but little do I know is that I'm always redrafting and editing her along the way. "Oh yay, I finally did this, but I bet I can do that to really give it a kick..." A friend of mine told me that I'm never satisfied with myself. It's true. How can I be? Actually, when will I be? It's been two years that I've been feeling the way I am. Could it be the stress created from school? And when I can't get that certain grade, I start to doubt my abilities in that subject? And how I based my intelligence on the fact that I was denied from a certain school? Or perhaps it was the boys who made my tiny, naive, and gullible heart ache a bit and therefore caused me to be self-conscious of myself because I assumed I had to look and act a certain way? Maybe it's my mom and her firm lessons on how to be the perfect student, daughter, and future power-house woman. Not saying that all these circumstances I've encountered are necessarily bad things. They have shaped me to be stronger and more ambitious, but I'm just waiting for that day where I can look at myself and feel proud of myself and really love me because then- only then can I really push myself to the limit without having to break so easily.

2011-07-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

My head feels like a balloon. No, not what you're thinking. I'm sick. And it was a really good and 'sick' weekend in Santa Barbara. It was definitely a much needed mini getaway for me. The area is beautiful and we hit the beach and laid on the soft sand with the perfect beach weather, while listening to reggae. That was definitely the highlight of the trip. Ate, met up with our other friends who arrived and just had a girls' night. Things have been on my mind lately, but I'm honestly too tired to think about it right now. I shall fall asleep reading a good book instead. I'm so excited for Outside Lands.

I wish Blogger was hip again ):

2011-07-19T23:15:00.000-07:00

Sucks to know I can't run to people like how I use to. I'm excited for August. Concerts and going back to school.

2011-05-30T13:22:00.000-07:00

Hate the world.

For right now.

Goddamn, this is a depressing blog. I hate everything.

2011-05-28T02:15:00.000-07:00

A really good day, but a really bad one as well. I don't know where to start. I guess I'm grateful for good company to keep me happy and sane, but it's all turned into shit once I come home. On top of that, I saw him today. Haven't seen him for about 7 months. It was very brief, but it sorta had me thinking again, but I shouldn't even start. All I know is that he tore me apart in the nicest way possible. Because of that, I can't even fucking hate the guy even though I want to. It just would be so much easier. Because of him, I'm so fucking insecure of myself. Because of him, this whole shabam is still placed in the back of my fucking mind. Fuck.

I really need to stop cussing when unnecessary because I feel like I am immediately degraded as a person. I'm so unprofessional.

2011-05-22T02:33:00.000-07:00

I've got issues. I've changed now. I'm a lot more mad at the world and I'm starting to care too much, but at the same time, not care at all. I'm just really tired of my problems I have strapped on my back. But even if I could, I wouldn't just pack up and leave. My family needs me and the last thing I want to do is let them down. I find myself slowly isolating myself from people. They don't understand. Seeing people joke around or being happy actually makes me angry because they don't understand how tough some people have it. At the same time, I know I'm just jealous because I want to be care-free again. I'm not that girl who I use to be. I'm not as sociable. I find myself staying out of others' ways and being very self- conscious of what people think. Sucks, but it's okay. Glad it's summer though. Maybe it'll allow me to relax.

2011-04-19T23:57:00.000-07:00

How do you know when someone might be talking about you on their blog?

Edit -
Now I know.

2011-04-17T12:52:00.001-07:00

I hate people.

Because they make me sad. They make me angry. And some of them make me have low-self esteem.

I'm really working hard in school right now. It seems like no matter how hard I try, it's not good enough.

2011-04-13T19:30:00.001-07:00

I wish I can help the world. But I don't know how I can do that when I can barely help myself. Well today, I have no self-esteem. About school or with guys. Ha.

So much is on my mind right now. Everything is happening all at once and I want to be able to do everything.

Someone Like You by Adele

2011-04-08T01:11:00.000-07:00

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.

2011-03-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

I just... get so angry sometimes. Mostly at myself. Damn. It's just those moments.

2011-03-25T01:46:00.000-07:00

Damn. I don't know why I want to slap people bitching about how they weren't accepted to Cal, UCLA, and etc. Please be happy with some of the schools of your choice, man. I guess I'm saying this because I had nothing and I just felt like I truly took it to heart much more than anyone will. Maybe it is hypocritical of me as well. Someone else could be telling me the exact same thing...

Anyways, spring break is almost here for me. After tomorrow at 2:50, I'm fucking out. I feel like lately, I've changed. I am more serious and many things bother me now. I don't laugh as much either. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just growing up or I just don't give a fuck anymore.

2011-03-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

It's almost ridiculous how angry I've been lately. I'm just an angry girl who doesn't find anything funny anymore.

Not only pray for Japan, but go donate to the American Red Cross or any other helping organization. Action speaks louder than words. If I didn't have school and I had money to support myself, I'd be there in a heartbeat to help. I really want to.

2011-02-22T22:24:00.000-08:00

Even having a conversation with one of the people whom I trust so much, he couldn't make me feel better at all. It seems like no one knows what to say to me because my mind is that fucked up. Oh, how sad. What a sad, sad day. I didn't get my position today either. I love where I'm at in life. I'm one pessimistic bitch and it seems that there's no one that can change my mindset. I hate people and my school. It's so sad. I hate ignorant people. I hate stuck up people. I hate rude people. I hate heartless people. I need to get the hell out of here or I'll really turn crazy.

Watching an SNL episode right now and it's only making me feel .05% better.

2011-02-20T23:49:00.000-08:00

Sunday night watching a special backstage episode of SNL and August Rush instead of doing homework. Watching this makes me wish that I was dramatically talented. If only I was pushed when I was younger because I feel like I had it in me. Now, other careers don't compare to it. I guess it'll always be a secret dream of mine. School is dull. I just go to the library everyday to study and maybe if I work hard enough, a miracle would happen. Instead of complaining, I like to take action. I'm still trying to participate in other things as well. Waiting for that phone call tomorrow. Anyways, I feel like I have so much responsibility than necessary. I have all this pressure from people that I don't really want to deal with, but if I don't deal with it, I might seem selfish. After all, that's what I do- cater to others' needs.

Oh yes, I might start a Tumblr, but only for artistic purposes. A compilation of pictures on the edgy side. One thing I get ticked off about are the tumblrs with girly fashion, haha.

Kanye West feat. RZA, Jay-Z, Pusha T, Swizz Beatz & Cyhi the Prynce - So Appalled

2011-02-09T21:04:00.000-08:00

Unhappy. Pissed. Bored. Just unsatisfied. I'm just venting how I feel lately.

The song (or at least the chorus) sums up what I feel.

2011-02-07T23:04:00.000-08:00

I want that feeling when you have something to look forward to as I wake up. I feel a mixture of emotions. So tired of everything.

I just went on Em's facebook. I miss her so much. When I think of her, I think of how she's doing amazing things right now and it motivates me. She makes me realize that there are other things in life that you have to worry about. I miss junior year.

2011-02-01T21:50:00.000-08:00

Oh no, I'm going back to my ways. I feel so angry nowadays. I should channel my anger to achieving my goals so I can finally say FU. But then again, what am I trying to prove? And to who? And would it even matter to them... I'm being a fool right now.

2011-01-31T13:09:00.000-08:00

Bad night, bad dream, bad day. My throat was killing me so I woke up in the middle of the night and boiled water and cooled it down since there is no room temperature water. Then I wore two jackets and wrapped myself like a cocoon with my blanket while listening to GD on my Ipod. I fell asleep and had a dream that we were friends again. It made me sad when I woke up cause for a split second, I thought it was real.

I didn't really do my homework so I fudged up on my quiz and in-class paragraph. I ditched my 11 o'clock class cause I had to run back to my car cause I thought I was going to get a ticket. Thank goodness I didn't, but nonetheless, I hate missing class because I'm marked as absent.

I don't feel as motivated to do my homework anymore. Actually, I don't feel as motivated in school.

A few people I know are joining sororities. It makes me wonder if I should join one too. I like being a part of a something while promoting a charity or non-profit organization, sorta like sagaths. It seems different in college though. I don't know how to explain it, but I'm afraid/ don't want to be surrounded by a group of people that don't click with me. It'll just piss me off.

I haven't met people that I fully click with here except my roommates. There is the group who are idiotically funny and not serious about life. Then there are hardcore bookworms. Makes me feel alone.

Alrighty, time for class and going to the library afterwards.

2011-01-29T00:44:00.001-08:00

I'm nineteen. I had a pretty great day despite of having class in the morning. It honestly didn't feel like my birthday and I wasn't really anticipating this so-called big day. My loved ones made sure that it was a big deal so a big thank you to them! It's amazing what a simple and thoughtful facebook post, text, and phone call can do to make my day. Special thanks to freaking Alice and my lovely roommates. I am a little bit upset that a few very important people to me forgot my birthday though. Well anyways, this year's birthday sure beat last year's.

Shohei, thank you so much for your post. Blogger buddies! You're too thoughtful and your post made my day. I hope all is well with you too!

Peace to the world.

2011-01-26T22:35:00.000-08:00

Some people really know how to get me mad. School is cool. Gotta keep focused. Doin' my own thang. Life is pretty chill at the moment.

2011-01-16T21:58:00.000-08:00

It's killing me to see one of my friends go through the same thing I went through a while ago. I came across her blog and it's like she copy and pasted things from my blog onto hers. It's amazing how we both think alike. I always knew I liked this girl. I wish I could help her out more if we were closer, but I guess I should let her do this on her own. It's the only way she'll get stronger. I did drop-by her house with a friend to give her "comfort food" (candy &yamyams) with a little hint that I'm here for her with her situation. I hope that was enough without pulling the mom card on her. Alice use to tell me to not bug into people's business like a mother. I should let them make their own mistakes and go through life's hardships on their own, but it doesn't seem right to just sit back and watch your loved ones' world crash before your eyes.

2011-01-16T01:14:00.000-08:00

FUCK YOU BITCH, MAN YOU DON'T DESERVE SHIT. I STILL HATE YOU.

Anyways, I had a wonderful weekend.

I cut my hair and it's not how I wanted it to be, but I'm trying to work with it. It's what you have to do in life. So I've turned my image into the footsteps of trashy Taylor Momsen.

I like going to school, though winter intersession is killing my ass right now with piles of assignments.

Can't wait for Spring semester.

2011-01-02T13:00:00.000-08:00

My last post was pretty personal. Actually, my whole blog is very personal. I don't really mind because I know that only about 4 people know of it- hopefully. But if one day someone were to come across it, I wouldn't mind because hopefully my experiences, insights, and words can possibly inspire them.
Pandora just played Boston by Augustana and my lord, I haven't heard that song in a while, but it reminded me of why it is my favorite song of all time.

2011-01-01T13:44:00.001-08:00

It was a year ago from today that things started to change for me. The moment it turned 2010 at 12:00AM, I sat in my room (yes, I didn't do anything that year) thinking that everything was heading in the direction I wanted it to. I had many things a girl could ever want: a sane family, great friends, respected at school, and a specific person who cared about me. Little did I know that my life was going to change in the opposite direction. I should have saw it coming. I first lost the one person who came into my life and introduced me the happiness I haven't felt in a long time. And after that, I slowly lost touch of everything else I had. My family and I argued all the time, I felt like I lost my best friend, I wasn't the important student in high school anymore, I fell behind in my classes dramatically, and I lost all of my self-esteem. Instantly, I blamed no other but myself. Fate doesn't control shit because, I do. That's how I view life. It was my fault that I wasn't smart enough for colleges, beautiful enough for him, helpful enough for my family, etc. Every little thing I could not achieve, I strongly believed it was my fault because if others could do it, why couldn't I? It took me many months to stop this mentality. I can't even begin to explain what ran through my head. I wish I could describe the feelings, but words can't even describe what I felt. Even if it could, I wouldn't know where to start. I've never felt that way before. I believe that the year 2010 is when a hit a level of rock bottom.
I won't go into detail about how depressing and pathetic my year was, but it was not until my recent winter recess where I felt relieved of everything that happened in my life. I was no longer concerned about certain situations, which allowed me to have some fun and just enjoy my life. I owe much of that to my friends and surprisingly, my family (though my mother has once again pissed the hell out of me yesterday). My mom is still a crazy Asian lady that drives me absolutely insane, but words can't describe our love-hate relationship. It's quite odd with us. I hate saying "words can't describe" because I feel like I fail as a blogger when I say that. Anyways, I definitely see a light in 2011. Though things won't always go my way in life, I'm still grateful. Just to being able to live my life is wonderful and there are so many other things in life to worry about. Community service has made me realize that and I'm glad to say that I'll be doing more of that in 2011. Oh, and another thing that I have to remember for the year 2011 (so I don't end up repeating 2010) is that I do not need anyone to make me feel confident about myself but me. Happy new year!

2010-12-26T20:24:00.000-08:00

Oh yeauuuh, I had a wonderful Christmas weekend (: I don't think I've ever had this much fun, haha. I got an expensive gift from my sister and Derrick. It makes me feel bad to get expensive gifts because I personally wouldn't buy it myself being the cheapass I am, but it's so pretty! I'm so thankful.

2010-12-23T22:38:00.000-08:00

Today, I am very upset. I sacrifice my time to help my mom run errands. I sacrifice my sanity when my mom nags at me about going out to hang out with friends. I sacrifice my car and gas to drive my friends where ever they want. I offer to drive to Rosemead since no one seems to want to drive to Arcadia. I don't know, but I feel very sad that I do all this and no one even truly appreciates my efforts. I do it cause I love my mom and friends, but I wonder sometimes if they love me to do they same. I'm always placed as number 2 on everyone's list. Or 3. Or 4. I just feel like I put so much effort for people lately. I'm kinda upset. There are so many examples to choose from, but I guess I'll just brush if off. It's what I do best anyways. I don't want to seem too selfish.

2010-12-18T13:18:00.000-08:00

It feels so good to be done with my finals. Oh lord, I don't think I've ever experienced that much stress before. I believe the cloest thing was planning an event for ASB, but I don't remember having mini anxiety attacks before I sleep. I felt like all the fun was sucked out of me and I was always so angry and jittery because of my lack of sleep. Geezes. Thank gosh it's over now though. I can just relax before I go back for winter intersession. I'm such a nerd. Well, after finals, Alice and I celebrated with this korean pizza place called Love Letters. It was delicious! Then I went to work out because I gained some weight, but I suddenly had a headache after running a mile so I stopped. That never happens so I'm assuming it was the lack of sleep or just the overwhelmed stress. I watched Tangled with Alyssa-Bear and it was very adorable. Flynn Ryder is the bee's knees. And I hung out with some of the guys and they were very funny and stupid. I came home the day after and got my butt ready for winter formal to escort Lawrence to crown the next king. It was fun dressing up again! I felt very awkward at first because everyone seemed so... small. Haha! I guess I forgot how Rosemead kids were like. It was fun just hanging out and dancing. I love the environment. Everyone is so care-free and innocent. Totally different from the club or party. Made me feel young, haha. Woo.

2010-12-12T02:39:00.000-08:00

And here we go again. I just want to tell someone my all the stresses in my life, but what's the use? I'm just going to hear a type of response that I don't enjoy hearing. It seems absolutely nothing can turn me around at the moment. Based on observations and past experiences, I like to say that when a person is in that low of state when happiness means nothing to the point where it seems that absolutely nothing can fix it, you know that person's not kidding. Fortunately, I wouldn't say I'm in that state because I know my life isn't as terrible as it seems. That was directed to those silly and irritating teeny boppers who claim their lives to be miserable when clearly there are more serious and important issues in life to worry about than not being beautiful or loved enough. I believe that I'm becoming more mature with the issues in my life, but sometimes I just want to complain and tell a person all my ridiculous problems. I just feel like I can't because I'm so caught up in being "mature" about my problems. I realized I need reassurance most of the time cause I often doubt myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to be able to speak my mind freely and complain without: having to seem like one of those people who dramatically complain about their lives, being judged, nor hearing the phrase "relax". Sorry, but I can't relax. I just want someone to tell me that it's going to be okay and I'm just in a temporary state of being upset, but things will turn around once the moment you try not to see things in a negative way so often. It's hard for me to hear any type of positive encouragement because I can't except it, but don't worry because the more I'm forced to hear it, the more I'll actually believe it and change my view on aspects in my life. You know what the sad thing is? No one really tells me that but me. And I have a problem with being too good of a listener and advice giver with arms wide open, but once again I am taken advantage of my some of those people. Quite pathetic in my opinion, but that's alright. There's no one to blame except myself. I assume it's a sign that I should be a psychology major or I'm just an extremely nice friend, hence, the previous post.

That's my finals week foh' yeh.

2010-12-04T23:54:00.000-08:00

I wanted to take my roommates out cause one of them was feeling down, but she didn't want to spend $20 for the club. So I tried to find alternatives, but they were all bars that were 21 and over. I ended up telling them to go without me and I told the other girls to make sure to get my roommate "slizzard". Now, I'm just sitting here, doing my homework. I think I'm a pretty good friend.
I've been pretty stressed over school to the point where I'm honestly getting all my days wrong. I even stayed up pretty late at night doing homework and when I went to bed, I felt like I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about all the things I had to finish. The scary thing is that I couldn't sleep because my body was so tense. It was a weird feeling to describe, but let's just say I've never felt that way before. I had to take really deep breaths to calm myself down and sleep. I think I had a similar feeling when I was stressed over ASB last year, but not this intense! But the next day, I relaxed for a bit and I played Rock Band. I like to sing, muahaha.
I can't wait for winter break so I can read Harry Potter all day and sleep in! (:

2010-11-30T21:33:00.001-08:00

So I'm kinda angry right now and I really want to burst and punch someone, but instead I'm going to try to take that anger and study my ass off. Then maybe I can become rich and FUCKING BUY SOME WEAPONS AND BLOW SOME SHIT UP. And I can tell people I think they're ridiculous without giving a fuck because I'm fucking successful and rich and everyone will be scared of me.

And then, in times like these, I give Em's facebook a visit and it reminds me that are other things in life to worry about. Not in a stalker-ish way, but seeing what she's doing really makes me want to become a better person. I remember when she and I became really close during my junior year. She was another reason why I loved junior year so much cause we were each others' support system. I text her often, but I know she can't respond and she's so busy. Haha, funny because she and I made this blog together! I love this blog. I pour my soul into this.

2010-11-29T11:50:00.000-08:00

I get happy seeing past friends of mine who use to have low self esteem that now have positive self esteem on themselves.

I think it has a lot to do with the guys in their lives who make them feel they're beautiful and invincible. I think that's sorta cheating.

I hate school. Come on, please. Let winterbreak come. I need to finish strong.

I feel okay. I'm okay.

2010-11-25T13:35:00.000-08:00

Am I horrible or what? I totally forogt that Thanksgiving today was suppose to be about being thankful. Instead, I was just excited about eating. I'm so fat. I'm quite ashamed that this is the first year I honestly forgot about being thankful. Sigh. Tough year perhaps? Nevertheless, I'm thankful for the support I've received, food, shelter, and my life. Oh yes, and Harry Potter for being my escape from reality. Happy thanksgiving y'all. (:

2010-11-23T01:24:00.000-08:00

I know why I always had a need to move away. Ever since I was in middle school, I told myself that I was going to move away from home. When a told a friend of mine my future plan, he asked, "Why?" I think I responded with, "There's no reason for me to stay here." Kinda deep for a middle schooler, but hey, my little heart was just crushed by my first crush and my friends were no longer my friends and blamed me for something I didn't do. You can imagine the only thing I'd want to be is anywhere but here. I guess that's why the song Boston by Agustana was my jam and still is. The next years , I forgot that feeling of wanting to move away and if I did, it was because I wanted to go out of state for school or my future job. I liked an adventure. It was just a moment ago while I watched 27 dresses, I watched Jane live by herself in an apartment in New York, working away her life with her career. I don't know how, but it triggered my thoughts of moving away and just starting my career because there's nothing left here in Rosemead for me. There's no reason for me to stay here. I have great friends, but I don't get the impression that we are each other's everything and inseparable. When I pass by my high school, I'm just haunted by some good memories and bad memories where I'm reminded of why I'm such a failure sometimes. This is totally my fault though, once again. Here I am, not satisfied with myself and anything I do. Geezes! Avoid this- it's only for my portfolio of creative writing.

Far East Movement feat. Ryan Tedder - Rocketeer

2010-11-09T21:39:00.000-08:00

I really wish I could post this song. It's my current favorite song that I listen to on repeat. Today at my PR meeting, they liked a lot of ideas that I pitched to them. I felt so accomplished. Back in the game baby. Yeee. Just gotta keep on working hard. I shall attempt to study for Astronomy tonight even though I don't know what's really going on.

Some rude biznatch bumped into me today when walking. I even moved to the side for her, but she thinks she owns the walkway with her boyfriend. Geez.

There's something about the weather. I love cold weather. It's calming and I feel so relaxed. And it makes me crave ice cream all the time.

2010-11-07T14:27:00.000-08:00

Geez! I think I want a tumblr, but I don't want to start a whole new blog. I did that once already! I need all of these blogs to stay in one place. I can't leave my posts. They are too beautiful ): I just want a tumblr to re-post cool stuff, like Harry Potter. I have a feeling if I do have a tumblr, I will do nothing but go on those fuckyeah tumblr sites and stare in awe at those beautiful pictures all day long. Should I stay true to my blogger!?

Chris Colfer from Glee is part of my motivation in life. When interviewed by Ellen, he stated how his high school bullies or acquaintances would now try to speak to him as if they were great friends and flatter him with compliments. He would clearly remember that it was them who never believed in him and in fact, doubted his dream. When I achieve my goals and become well known for it (maybe), I will laugh at those who try to flatter me and said they believed in me. "You're ~~a little~~ too late there, buddy," is what I'll gladly say to them.

2010-11-02T00:42:00.000-07:00

What an unproductive day. Slept and didn't do much but watch Youtube. I need to remember to stay productive, always! I had a a great weekend and I need to remind myself that I have great things in my life right now. I'll try not to take it for granted.

2010-11-01T00:39:00.000-07:00

I had been wanting to write for the longest time, but every time I sit myself down, I am lost at words. I'm currently frustrated because this is not how I wanted to start out and write this. Whatever, I suppose.
I feel this sudden change in me. I enjoy hanging out with guys who are rude, obnoxious, and conceited. There's no surprises with them because I know what to expect: being an asshole. There's no anticipation with a possibility of them being thoughtful or kind. Handsome, inconsiderate, and temporary. Perfect. My change of music also changed. I find myself listening to the ridiculous rap music that speaks of nothing but profanity and mindless thoughts. It can toughen me up. It makes me feel like I should be like that. That way, no one can put me down nor make me feel less worthy of myself.
But I came across my old music today. The songs that I love to listen to and have beats and rhythm so smooth and relaxing that it took me back to my old self. It reminded me of when I had so much hope. And I was happy. And how I used some of this music to help me get through my hard times. I don't know how to feel anymore. Kidding. Nice people FTW. I'm just having a moment.
Amazing what one person can trigger.
My roommates are such great people. One shared a story with me that changed my perspective on the true meaning of getting a move on with her life. She's so strong and I occasionally think about the story she told me to give myself motivation. That's what I need to be reminded of. My motivation to excel greatly and find my dream career in the east coast. I feel like I will be that girl who will be too engaged in her career rather than enjoy the beautiful things in life and blah, blah, blah. That's a whole different story.

2010-10-17T00:22:00.000-07:00

Coming home after a month felt so different. It felt weird. I can't describe the feeling, but let's just say that I really need to be away from home more often. I can't conclude what I'm feeling though. Well Friday night was a good night, despite of a minor conflict. I really enjoyed seeing all of my friends again and just talking and laughing. I realize I don't laugh as often anymore. I don't do a lot of things anymore, like act spontaneous. I'm so concerned about school and my future that I don't have as much fun anymore. It's quite sad. I feel like I'm just living life, but not living it to its fullest. I'm a grandma. There are also certain things that I'm not very happy with, but it's okay though, there's more important things to worry about in life. I'm good.

2010-10-09T19:05:00.001-07:00

I just watched the Social Network this afternoon and I can say that I really enjoyed it. It was my kind of movie. Although I'm not sure how much they twisted some facts, such as the facial and emotional reactions the actors portrayed, I still really loved it. It just displayed the side of people that not many people see. Friends become enemies to pursue your dreams, despite of the friendships you lose and the enemies you build. If you watched the movie, then you know what I'm talking about. Was it all worth if for Mark Zuckerberg? To be a billionaire? Who wouldn't say, "hell yeah"? If I could, I would ask him if the movie was correct in stating the relationships between the guys. I would ask him how is he so freaken brilliant and quick on his feet to envision such ideas in a short period of time. I would ask Eduardo what ran through his head when that incident happened. I don't want to kill what happened, even though you could read it online, haha. I don't know if I could ever be that much of an aggressive person in order to get what I want. It's hard to explain, but I couldn't stop talking about the movie when I came out of there. Business is scandalous. It makes me realize that I probably would not survive in the game.

Edit- Found it.
http://www.businessinsider.com/facebook-movie-zuckerberg-ims

2010-09-30T21:29:00.000-07:00

I want to apologize to myself. I'm sorry that I give myself a hard time. I'm sorry that I always put myself through this ridiculous, low self-esteem stage and always think that I'm never good enough. I'm sorry I dwell in the past. I'm sorry I let someone who doesn't care about me affect me to my breaking point. I'm sorry that I was always so hard on myself when I don't do something to my standards. I'm sorry that I compared myself to every other girl. I'm sorry I give up so easily. I'm sorry I can't get over the fact that my life isn't suppose to play out beautifully, but I'm learning that life really has its frustrating, but perfect glitches. I'm sorry I didn't love who I was.

2010-09-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

Messed up on my first college test. Gotta get it back.

2010-09-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

The college thing still irritates me so much. I can't describe the feeling. I'm pathetic.

I'm currently writing up my resume. I'm quite distracted.

I also have many crap to do for school. I'm very distracted.

I have a hate/love relationship with school.

I'm upset about how I'm the only one who is trying to save certain friendships. It's a two way effort.

2010-09-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

The weather matches my mood today. I don't know what triggered it. The thoughts or the gloomy weather? Just thinking, as always. I don't know why I love to analyze thoughts and disect it until I understand it to the very core. Let's just say, I question why I always play the back-up role. I question myself in general. I was always just the game, not the prize.

Besides back-tracking to the past, life has been good to me. I love the new life I have here. Although there are still many people (idiots) whom I feel that don't click with because we have different views, I try not to let it affect me. I gotta love my older roommates/ sisters and eating takeout. Just moving forward.

2010-08-30T22:20:00.000-07:00

"That's how you know when it's a good night. When you wake up in the hospital."

2010-08-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

I had my first day of college today and it was great. I love the atmosphere of school! I wish we would get started already. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is buying textbooks. As if I'm not broke enough... My roommates are great. I'm just lacking a comfortable bed.

Other than that, today is Shohei Takano's birthday. So, happy birthday, Shoehei and thanks for always giving me those words of wisdom to push me through my moments. I truly hope you have a wonderful day and enjoy your summer before school starts!

100th Post

2010-08-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

I'll promise I'll prove all of you wrong. I'll show you what I can do.

2010-08-12T18:18:00.000-07:00

There's so much more to life than getting worked up and dwelling over situations that may seem important to you now, but won't be in a month from today. I guess I've been a bit over dramatic about how I don't get some of the things I want in life. I never had these bratty attitudes like the movies, but I guess it's just me being selfish. I need to cool my temper and be grateful of what I have and make the best of it.
I hate how I still feel a bit down.

2010-08-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

I need to stop watching reruns of Glee. It is because I can't wait for the season to start on Sept. 14. I hope I am not disappointed since there are new people in the cast.
I need to stop talking about Glee. I made my mom watch it with me.
I need to stop it with chick clicks, too.
I need more time before I move out!

Life after summer school has been smooth. It consits of mostly working out with Gary, hanging out here and there, and staying home to watch Glee. I am such a loser, haha. There's still so many people I wanted to see before we go our separate ways, including some of my '09 peeps that I'd like to hang out with again. I just haven't found the time, but I promise I'll make it up to you all.

2010-07-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

"I hate being part of the hype" was what I just texted to Andy right now. I know it's impossible not to be, but it's just those hypocrite moments you want to rant about. I have this uncomfortable, squirming feeling when you like the same thing as every other screaming teenager in the world sometimes. I feel this way sometimes with certain situations. For example, I watched 500 Days of summer for the 1st time a month ago and I watched Inception last night. It was enough to make me fall for Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I love how he is an amazing actor. I've seen him play the role of the helplessly romantic twice, which was 10 Things I Hate About You (1999) and 500 Days of Summer. Yet, I can see that he can switch up his roles in playing the serious, suave point man in Inception. Being able to be flexible in the roles you portray in movies just shows everyone what a damn great actor you are. Plus, it doesn't hurt that you're absolutely gorgeous. Well anyways, I saw other girls on Facebook talking about him and saying how he's so cute and such. I find this funny because 1) They're the type of girls who like guys such as Trey Songz, T.I., and etc. 2) I bet they don't appreciate him as an actor and person. I don't know why I'm being all defensive over it, but it's just that feeling! haha. Inception was great, by the way. And Dispicable Me was an enjoyable movie because Steve Carell is the bomb, but not the whole, "It's so fluffy" part. I love having movie and actors discussions.

2010-07-12T16:22:00.001-07:00

Time to say positive things in my very depressing blog! Just came back from class and my sister's dog has finally stopped crying. I had a really good work out last Friday, but I think I gained it alll back from eating a little too much these past days. Oh well, I'll just work out again. It's actually really fun. I love sprints and doing high knees. I also watched the Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family yesterday night and it was awesome because they showed many deleted scenes. I swear, every time I watch Harry Potter, it makes me feel so jealous that I can't live that freakin' awesome, adventurous magical life. I can't wait for the next movie. I absolutely love all the actors in the movies. They really bring out the character in the book. Brilliant.
I have two more weeks of summer school and I'm quite excited because I can finally relax and hang with my buddies. They've been going everywhere! Then after a month of summer vacation, it's time for me to start school. Ahhh, the dog's crying again. Random thought: I realized that I really like girls' clothing that are men inspired. Like guy's cardigans or messenger bags. I'm really weird.

2010-07-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

Looking back at how I was back then makes me feel unsatisfied. I spend my whole senior year basically doubting myself and making myself miserable while I could have turned around the attitude and used the energy for something actually useful. I really worked myself up and I don't know where it came from. The constant mentality of self doubt overwhelmed me so much to the point where some days, I just cracked. I can honestly say it was the worst memory I can ever imagine. Just thinking about the words that ran through my head and how much of a failure I felt was too much for one person to handle on their own. I can almost say that I'm over that terrible stage of my life. Knowing me, that mentality might encounter my feelings in there future.
I'm slowly getting use to things at Fullerton. There are things that I am still uncomfortable with, but hopefully I'll manage.
Being away from Rosemead is a good feeling. I just don't want to be reminded of things here. It's the past. I'm looking at the future.

2010-07-05T23:56:00.000-07:00

I hate these days when I feel so down. Just last week, I felt pretty happy and confident in myself. Things changed when I came down to Rosemead for the weekend. Sure, I had fun seeing all my friends again, but something came over me. I was reminded of bad memories and I once again became the person who hated herself. I think it's because I saw people who I just didn't want to see anymore. Once again, I found myself replaying every bad moment in my head. I thought I left it all behind, but I guess not. It's funny how I'm always not confident in myself. I know that I have to change my attitude, pronto. I hate always putting myself down. It's not that I want to, it's just what I honestly feel. I don't want to have people tell me if I'm good enough. It's nice, but I can't always rely them to hold my hand through life.
I don't know why I compare myself to so many people. She's smarter, she's prettier, she's everything I'm not. Goddamn, I hate it. When can I feel that I'm finally good enough? When will I be able to look at a person and say that she's smart and pretty in her own way and just brush it off? Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe it's just estrogen talking.
Pishacha told me that her and her friends won't even compare this one girl who I'm not very fond of because there's absolutely no comparison to be made. It made me feel really good because she can spot out the bad that others are too blind to see. It's nice knowing that some people are on the same page as you. Maybe I'm not going crazy after all.

2010-06-28T16:01:00.001-07:00

I've been wanting to blog for a while, but every time I sit myself down to write, I lose concentration. A lot has happened this past month. I can honestly say that it was one of the best times of my life. The most memorable would have to be ASB banquet and of course, graduation. I put a lot of effort into planning that one night. It would be my absolute last event I plan at Rosemead High School. When it was my turn to say some words, I did not expect to cry. I realized that it was because this organization meant so much to me that led to my tears. My work there is officially done.

Walking down the track on the night of the graduation ceremony, I had this tingly feeling. I just couldn't believe that four years of high school was over. Everyone was so pumped up and energetic. It was amazing. I saw my really awesome friends cheering for me, which made me even more excited. Standing next to my greatest friends as we graduated together was even more awesome. Alice cried, what a loser! Its funny how we skipped singing the Alma Mater. That was the end of high school. It was a good memory. Steph Meade (she's an amazing writer!) wrote in her senior column that because she loves and respects Rosemead High so much and the memories that were created, she's never coming back. When I read those lines, I felt the exact same way. I want to leave it all behind. I want to leave it as strictly a memory.

I cleaned my room recently and I looked through my memory box. I took out the various items I kept throughout the years. I had many letters, cards, my fundraiser flyers, tickets from the shows hosted at Rosemead and the dance tickets I attended. I also cleaned up my old folders which contained most of my ASB to-do lists, master calendars, agendas, you name it. I looked back and a part of me was about to plan events for the next year, but I realized it's over. I'll miss it. It was such a big part of my life, you have no idea.

I need to learn to leave certain things behind. I found myself (once again) dwelling over the fact that I'm not going to be attending a school of my choice in the fall. I think it's because I recently discovered that my friend's friend, friend's family member, and acquaintances are attending such prestigious schools. Five minutes ago, I found out that a guy who I strongly despised from ABL because he's such a db is attending Harvard. The good never win? Majority of the time. "If only I..." always and and still is, at times, replays in my head. I have to brush it off. I need to live my own life and create my own path.

My college orientation was this past Friday and I must say that it gave me a pretty good positive vibe. We were divided into groups based on majors and we had the head of the department of our major come speak with us. She really did inspire me when she spoke of her recent students and how they excelled so much. One guy had an internship in New York, I think and they ended up offering him a job there at ABC New York. It was just amazing. It makes me realize that there could be a possibility where I can still dream big. I can still do this, possibly.

2010-05-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

Reading blogs from seniors are so entertaining at the moment. I enjoy reading about their feelings on how high school is ending. Quite fascinating. I laugh at the fact that we are all so senstive about graduating high school. What is it that makes us so sad? Especially me? I mean, it's not like half of the people I knew really impacted my life. It's not like I left a mark here at Rosemead High School. Yet, why is it that I can't help but to feel that this is a bittersweet moment. Hm, I wonder who's still going to stay by my side after these years and how I'm going to adapt to a new area of people. I'm excited, but I still wish I was going to school further away. I don't know why, but I have this urge, since as long as I can remember, to leave this place. I can't explain it, but I really feel that there's nothing here for me. I need a new start and leave this place which I sorta despise so much, yet I can never let go of.

2010-05-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have to keep my head up. I can do this. I am content.

2010-04-11T01:16:00.000-07:00

I have a hard time sleeping this whole week. This is what spring break does to you. Actually, scratch that. This is what thinking too much does to you. My life pretty much sucks balls at the moment. Things just happened unexpectedly and it just, sucks.

2010-03-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

I really need to pull it together. Sad to say, but I've been basically depressed for this past week and a half. I feel absolutely stumped due to college applications. Again and again, the idea of rejection replays in my head, along with the idea that I'm just not good enough. I feel so pressured to excel, as if all eyes are on me. I imagine people looking at me and thinking that the supposedly well- rounded student will make it to a good school. Even my relatives view me as the jewel in the family since my cousins don't take school seriously as I do. What am I suppose to tell them when they ask me what school I'll be attending? I can only imagine shame and embarrassment fill my face.
A few friends of mine said that I put too much pressure on myself and others put the pressure on me as well. I don't know if I could fully agree to that. Maybe I didn't put enough pressure on myself. Maybe I just didn't work hard enough? It's funny how I'm always finding a way to bring myself down. I just don't know what to do. I feel like if I follow through with going to a JC, I would be heart-broken, but so driven at the same time to shoot for the stars and transfer to my dream school. I've been hearing different opinions on what I should do and I'm extremely grateful for those who have been helping me through this rough time, but I honestly feel so clueless at this point. Man, I need to stop moping around, but I can't help it.

2010-03-25T23:43:00.001-07:00

I really need help. My heart, along with my brain, is shattered into pieces.

2010-03-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

"They say HATE is a strong word, but they throw around LOVE like it's nothing."
— unknown

2010-03-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have basically been rejected from multiple colleges of my choice and I am beyond stumped. There's so much in my head right now that I can't quite clarify what's bothering me the most. Is it my self- doubt kicking in? Knowing I am not "good enough" for colleges? Is it because I feel that I have not worked hard enough and probably do not deserve admittance to their school? Is it because I feel that I have worked hard enough to be admitted and they're just too blind to see it? I don't know, I honestly don't. I'm at the stage of confusion. Life is passing so quickly and I can't seem to grasp it. I feel as if I have to make decisions now. I feel as if most of my peers have already figured out where they will be attending in the Fall and here I am, still drifting, praying for just two more acceptance letters. I highly doubt they will accept me because I have lost all hope after being rejected from many schools. I find myself tearing up every so often when I hear of my peers being admitted. I long for the feeling of being accepted. I've waited my whole high school life for that one acceptance letter to make me jump up and down and to tell myself that I finally did it.
Two more, just two more. Things happen for a reason and I'm praying that I was not admitted to the other schools because these last two schools are the ones for me. Going away from home and moving up Northern California was always a dream of mine. Let this be. Let this be the reason why I was not admitted. Sounds silly, I know, but can't a girl dream? I probably shouldn't take it too far. I should just stop. It's not going to happen anyways. I'm done.

"I won't give up on you cause you never gave up on me and I'm here for you like how you're always there for me :)"- Andy Pham

2010-03-15T21:12:00.000-07:00

Jack's blog made me sad. I like how her blogs have structure. Lately, I have just been babbling all my feelings. Well once again, it's about college. I'm extremely nervous about acceptance letters. I check the websites multiple times a day. I'm waiting on a few more and I pray that I made it to the ones of my interest. That's the big thing on my mind right now. After this, I believe things will fall into place, hopefully. Otherwise, I'm trying as hard as possible to enjoy school right now. Things are better now, so that makes me feel relieved. I hope things continue looking brighter by the day.

2010-03-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

I have an essay due tomorrow and I'm not even done with reading the book. Someone slap me. Well anyways, I was rejected from some schools. I feel so upset, wondering if it's my fault that I didn't try hard enough. It also made me feel upset that the admissions board didn't really appreciate all my extra-curricular. I mean, I put so much effort into it. It was something I'm really proud of. I guess it just wasn't important to them. Seeing how other people were accepted made me feel incredibly upset and jealous. I'm just waiting on the others to come out, but after getting rejected by a few already, I wouldn't want to get my hopes up too much.

2010-03-11T21:02:00.000-08:00

I'm staring at the empty piece of paper on my desk. It should be filled with calculus problems by now, like how I imagined it. I wish this laziness of mine won't stick with me to college. I think I need to break my computer. It's so distracting. Well anyways, a few people and I threw Diego a mini surprise for his birthday. I'm glad he really liked it. He's one of my greatest friends and he deserved it. So I finally gave sprints a shot, but it didn't work out. Competitive running is difficult for me to start now and actually be good at it. So I crossed running off of the list and it's time to try a new event! Hopefully I go through with it, but I'm feeling lazy again.
Looking at my calendar and I realized that I only have a couple months left of high school and I'm gone. I tell myself I can't wait to get out of here, but I feel as if I'm leaving school very unsatisfied. I feel that somethings missing. I don't want to leave high school not feeling amazingly great. I want a big 'bang' to end the year. I guess I should stop wanting things because I know I will end up disappointed. And I really need to stop being too nice to people. I let them step all over me.
I went through my old photos of the previous years and damn, I really miss junior year. It was one of the best years of my life.

2010-03-04T23:44:00.000-08:00

There's no reason to continue letting this thing bother you. You have things to do and people to see -- and not nearly enough time to squeeze it all in. Let go of your nagging concern. Focus on the pleasant things going on in your world, and let someone else do the worrying. You've done enough of that lately. Think of this as a day off -- no, make it a week.

My horoscope for the day, haha.

2010-03-04T23:10:00.000-08:00

I want to just go to sleep right now, but I will not feel satisfied unless I attempt some of my homework. Today was alright. School sucked as always. After school, I had a "study session" at Aaron's house with Chris and Gary, while Eric and Johnny were upstairs playing games. It was super fun, but not a lot of studying went on. I really miss and like hanging out with them. It honestly makes my day because they're full of life and being around them immediately lifts my mood. Afterward, I dropped Gary off and went home. I was totally exhausted, but still went out to eat for my dad's birthday. The Laker game was on at the restaurant so I watched it while I ate. I wish I knew more about basketball to actually appreciate it when watching the games. Anyways, my mind has been thinking about Track lately. I want to join so badly. I've always said how I wanted to join a sport since my 8th grade year. It never happened due to school work, my mom, and the fact that I dedicated myself to ASB. Senior year was the year that I promised myself and others that I will finally do it. Especially after watching the track meet a couple days ago, it made me feel even more driven to join. I guess the reason why I'm holding back is because I think I'm afraid to suck. Totally lame, I know. I hope I really pull through with this. I want to do this before I leave high school.

2010-03-01T23:39:00.000-08:00

Hmm, I just felt like mentioning this. I think looking at Facebook pictures of my friends and acquaintances who are older than me make me feel so excited for college life. Especially '07, surprisingly. I learned the most from a few people. Lessons ranging good to bad. Thanks.

2010-03-01T21:06:00.000-08:00

Finished talking to Aaron and we were just talking about the things that have happened lately. I laugh at all this high school drama. I'm so ready for college. I need to get the hell out of Rosemead. Please, acceptance letters, be good to me. I'm ready to jet. I've packed some self-confidence, dug into my knowledge, and zip locked my loved ones that I know have my back. Some tell me that this is my senior year and I should be having fun and living it up before the "real world". I don't feel it though, the need to stay. I'm ready to fly, now.

2010-02-21T12:26:00.000-08:00

I like reading people's happy blogs. It makes me feel happy also and gives me a motive to be happy also. What's the point of bumming around when you'll only make yourself unhappy and dragging your loved ones down with you? This one aquantaince of mine, her blog, is just so enlightening. Not in a stalker kind of way, but I always read it! I'm so weird. Well today is a nice day. I might just relax today and catch up on stuff. Maybe some homework? I'm three chapters behind in Government class.

Revealed

2010-02-20T00:46:00.000-08:00

I have multiple things running through my head at this moment. First off, I guess I want to say I'm just trying to let out how I've been feeling for so long inside.

This year, I believed I have fell apart, right from the beginning. I don't know exactly why, but all I know is that I don't feel like the girl I once was. It could have been from the overwhelming stress from ASB or just panicking about colleges. I had just completely lost my self-confidence and motivation right from the start of this senior year. I've spoken to a few older friends of mine and they pretty much knew what I was going through, especially Timothy. I guess he understood how being ASB President really makes you criticize yourself on the things you could have done better. He says that we tend to criticize our own events because we're the ones planning it. I guess it's just one of those things people do when they yell at themselves and say, "Damn it, why didn't I do that instead?" As for lack of motivation, I know I have a huge problem in comparing myself with others. I lose faith quite quickly nowadays, but I understand that's totally on my part, once again. I have started to make an greater effort in my classes lately. It really does make me feel good. It's never too late to start making a change, seriously. So that pretty much sums up school for me. I'm just crossing my fingers for my college acceptance letters and I'm just trying to finish strong in school. It's my last chance to prove myself before I graduate from high school.

Another reason I've been feeling bothered this year is the fact that I feel like I've lost an important friend in my life. I just don't know what happened. Feelings or thoughts were never clarified. Everything was just unsatisfyingly drifted back into place. Not a very great way to resolve things, but I tried. I tried to speak of the subject, but I guess it doesn't want to be spoken of. This is the first time I feel that I've lost a friend and it's not a good feeling at all. We've been friends for years now. I'm unaware if I had any fault in this because it's indirectly told to me, rather to me directly. It might not be a big deal, but it means a lot to me to know, so I can help resolve anything and clear the air. But I don't believe I'm the one to blame because I can pull out multiple situations in which you have made me feel very unworthy of your effort and time. I really was there whenever you were in need. I have more to share, but I'll stop it now.

This past month has taken my head on a roller coaster ride. The negative feelings had just triple and was thrown at me. I struggled through, barely, with the help of me, myself, and I. The song that Nick Jonas wrote about how no one else will ever know how you feel because they are not you totally describes this past month and a half. I had a few great friends who tried to understand, but I knew it was ultimately up to me to help myself. I'm glad to say, I'm making very good progress, but I won't say I've fully recovered from zombie land.

I've realized many things about my life. I need to learn how to accept myself and I need to just keep on staying strong. It's the only way to get through life. After all, no one's going to hold your hand through the tough times, even though it would be nice, but some of us just have to do things on our own.

2010-02-03T22:38:00.000-08:00

Okay I've had enough of this. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of putting myself down. This is one of the hardest things to do, but I'm going to "brag" about the positive aspects of me.
I am
Nope can't think of anything at the moment. I'll try again later.

2010-02-01T21:48:00.000-08:00

My last ASB Installations was tonight. It was the installations of my dreams, the theme and all. I wanted this for the 1st semester when I was in term. Ah, it's okay. So, I gave my inspirational speech. I really hoped people liked it and were inspired. I was glad that I got many compliments and Burgess came to give me a hug, too. That was really nice. Although I may have encouraged others to never doubt themselves and be strong, I'm finding it a hard time to take my own advice. Tonight, I feel accomplished, yet incredibly sad at the same time.

2010-01-28T17:05:00.000-08:00

My day was nice. Although it didn't feel like my birthday at all today, some special people made an effort to make me feel special on this "important" day. Thanks to those who said Happy Birthday to me, but my special thanks goes to my father who woke me up today with a red envelope and a happy birthday, my mom, Shelley for planning an early surprise party and baking me a cake and just being the greatest friend I could ask for, Shannon for making me a candy necklace and giving me a thoughtful card and gift card, Darwin for being so thoughtful with his gift and hanging out with me after school, Jack for also coming and buying me ice cream and making me laugh, Yi for remembering my birthday without Facebook's help, some special administrators at school, Kathy, Cindy, and Shohei for the very thoughtful blog just for me. It really made my day knowing with your thoughtful and considerate words made me feel less crappy about myself. So this just screams out, "true friends".
I would have to say that my 18th birthday concludes as better than I expected as the day went on. I felt extremely crappy about myself in the morning, but I tried my best to brush it off. I need to learn to be more confident with myself.

2010-01-26T22:35:00.001-08:00

I can't really concentrate at the moment. I just want to say that I am a good person. I always try to do the right thing. I may not be the smartest student or I may not be the most beautiful girl, but I do have a good heart. I usually put others before me and am very considerate of others and their thoughts. I do my best to listen to others and share part of their pain so they don't have to suffer as much. I try to entertain people with my stupidity. I usually laugh most of the time. I hope I'm not doing anything wrong because I can't think of anything I'm doing wrong. Why do I feel the fault is on my part? Why am I on my lowest breaking point again? I feel so down. I feel pathetic. Nonetheless, even though I don't feel like superwoman at the moment, I know I live life with good intentions. I hope that's enough. Enough to prove that I'm a damn amazing person. And hopefully enough to tell those who misjudged me and doubted me, that they missed out.

2010-01-26T16:13:00.000-08:00

I must ask, why are people extremely immature? Way to go. It's so incredibly stupid, it's almost funny. Keep your mouth shut, "8th graders".

2010-01-22T17:58:00.000-08:00

I'm done with finals. I have to say that it was a very depressing week for me. I feel that I could have done so much better. I look at people bragging about their 4.0 GPA for the semester and I want to stab myself. This could really make or break me for colleges. I just feel failed and disappointed. I want to be that girl that use to push it and give it everything she has. I want to feel smart again. I don't know what happened these past years. I just lost all motivation and confidence in myself. I always tell myself I will try harder, but I never come through. I really want to do better for my last semester in high school, but is there a point? Like it matters anymore right? But maybe just to prove to myself that I can really do it. I hope it's not too late to prove this to myself because I'm on the verge of giving up on myself completely. On a lighter note, I had a really good day today. I went to lunch with Garebear and it definitely relieved me from all my week-long stress. Thanks for lunch! Then went to get boba, which i haven't drank in a long time, and went to target and David's house. A very relaxing day and I can not wait for the weekend! I feel free, but I still have that self- doubt conscious in my mind.
My mom is talking to me about relationships... weird haha. I told her I'm gonna never get married and she was sad muhahah.
Damn I really need to boost my self esteem and stop over thinking everything! I really do put unnecessary shit on myself.

2010-01-20T22:26:00.001-08:00

I can't focus on Calc right now. Instead I'm just thinking about a few things. Sometimes I think I'm too nice to people, which makes them think they can step all over me. I should stop being overly considerate and be more nice to myself instead. I'm also thinking about the future. I can't wait to leave Rosemead, but at the same time, I had great memories here. I feel that once I go to college, I don't want to look back here because there's nothing worth holding on to. Okay back to math.

2010-01-20T16:06:00.000-08:00

I'm glad things are better now. I guess I just really need to relax. But I still feel sorta insecure about the whole thing. I think that's the appropriate word. Whatevers. I'm super glad this week is almost ending. I need to PUSH IT. AP CALC MAN. Damn. I just really need to breathe.

2010-01-17T12:42:00.001-08:00

I really hate myself. I am so damn pathetic. It's not even a big deal, but why do I feel so upset and pissed? It's so dumb. I have all these unknown emotions bottled up inside of me. I think the reason why I'm like this could be that I hate playing the part of the stupid girl. Or I hate the fact that I let my guard down after all these years. Or it could be that I was stupid enough to believe everything. Or the fact that I didn't see that I was a rebound from the start. Or it could be all these reasons combined. I think it's the last reason that kills me the most. The dumbest part about all of this is that it's not worth getting upset over and it's not even worth thinking about. I should be able to brush it off like dust, but I just don't know why I can't stop thinking about. It's always in the back of my head. I don't even know what to do. I need to talk about it, but where does that lead me? How does that help? I'm just gonna think about it even more. I'm just so confused right now. I know for a fact I need to just forget about it and just keep on moving. Ugh I think I'm not even making sense right now! I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm just babbling. I just don't know what to do with myself. It's like a needle pricking me in the arm for the whole day and I can't seem to ignore it or stop it.

2010-01-15T20:07:00.000-08:00

I saw this and it made me go 'aw' ):

"What ever happened between us? I don’t exactly miss the crush, I just miss our friendship. You were someone I could go to, talk to, mess around with. You made me smile with all your stupid jokes that were meant to scare me. Why’d I toss you away from my life? I hope you’re okay, I know that you’re going through some deep shit and I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you. I always was."

2010-01-14T17:02:00.000-08:00

I'm acting as if everything is going great right now. I'm pretending that I'm living the life. I still feel hurt inside, but it's okay. I just have to suck it up. I know I can do this. I know I can brush it all off like dust, but it's just a tad bit difficult for me. I'm just hurt about what has happened.

2010-01-09T23:03:00.000-08:00

Some people's blogs make me extremely upset, seeing them like that. I wish I could do something. Stay strong. So today drifted by slowly. I went to Chinatown with my ma to go see the doctor. We stopped by the small apartment that I grew up in and it was so cool seeing my mom giving me a tour of what use to be of our family. I totally knocked out when I came home. I need to work on homework, but I really don't want to. I really hate class. I wish I was more clever and sharp in school. Sigh. Well anyways, I told Nicki my dream I had. I think I'm getting a bit insane in the membrane and attached. That's really bad. I was watching part of Ben Stiller's The Heartbreak Kid and part of it really sucks for the girl. Damn his character! Ah whatevers.

2010-01-08T18:45:00.000-08:00

What a week. I have slept so late everyday so I'm happy to sleep in tomorrow. This week was slow and boring. It was quite a downer too. I don't know why, but it just was. Sorta. Today, I felt so bummed, I have no idea why. Well actually I do, but it's whatevers. Listening to emo music helps ahah. I need to sleep more and think less.

2010-01-07T22:57:00.000-08:00

Boy: You know what?
Girl: What?
Boy: Next time i see you, don't wear that skirt again, it's too revealing
Girl: Why? I thought you loved that skirt
Boy: Next time, wear something that reaches to your ankles
Girl: Ok whatever
Boy: A dress that reaches to your ankles.. and wear long white gloves that reach to your elbows
Girl: What?
Boy: Trust me
Girl: What are you trying to do? Hide me from everyone?
Boy: Do up your hair as well real pretty
Girl: Are You listening to what i'm saying? You're so conservative, don't choke me like this... Are you kidding me?
Boy: I'm dead serious.
Girl: You know i dont like guys who boss me around
Boy: ... Wear a veil
Girl: ... what?
Boy: Wear this ring too
Girl: ....
Boy: Marry Me

Freaken dope

2010-01-05T16:07:00.000-08:00

I'm so sleepy, but I must do all of my homework first before I sleep. So anyways, yesterday when I was driving home, I saw Crockwell drive behind me. He kept on following me pretty far down the road. Then he switched lanes and was on the left of me. I wanted to say hi, but I felt that it was akward that I would know where he lives, so I didn't say hi. He lives quite close to me though. It was just a very funny moment. Then later, Secret Life of the American teenager was on. It was pretty good, but damn it's so much drama. If you don't want to be with her Ben, then just break up with her! Damn guys and their feelings of "I don't know what I want." And the girls were just full of unnecessary crap. Just come out and say it. It's so stupid how people are so indirect. Like if something is bothering you, just come out and say it. It's either you hold it in and DON'T say shit or say shit and just straighten it out. It's so dumb. Ashley is my favorite character! After I started homework at 10 and slept at 1. I need more sleep. I'm turning into a monster. Today was another normal day. A good day actually. I ran into Jesse afterschool and we caught up for a bit on stuff and just talked about our lives. Talking to him makes me feel inspired. Then I ran into Jo-Ly at the tennis courts, but we talked for a couple minutes then he continued to play tennis. Now, I'm sitting, thinking about ASB. I will miss it so dearly now that my term is coming to an end. I'll still be just as involved, but I'll just miss being part of the final decisions and such. It was a memorable experience. I think I might tear up at the end of the year banquet. I've been gathering photos from the beginning of the school year for the slideshow I'm gonna make. I'm so excited for it and I can't wait to use my sexy camcorder. Hello future Steven Speilburg? There's so much I want to do, but I never had the chance. It's my fault partially. I really wanted to join a sport, volleyball and track in particular. I dreamed of being in banners too. I know some of the moves that Tiff taught me in 2 minutes! :D Every year, the grils would tell me to try out, but I never did. It was a time and money issue. Thespians was another secret ambition of mine. I was a acting star in elementary haha. Good times. I also wish I was involved in video production because I would absolutely love being a director. There are so many more to list about the opportunities I could have had if I put more effort into it. Maybe I can even get started at college. I hope the saying of "It's never too late" is true. Isn't there a theory that the older you are, the more incapable it is for your mind to learn? If I ever have kids, I will make sure they are opened to every chance in life. Well time to stop dreaming and come back to reality. Homework calls.

2010-01-03T14:23:00.000-08:00

My eyes are so messed up right now that I just bought eyeliner to try to cover it. Gah, just as I thought everything was going great, things start to fall apart again. What a freaken amazing way to start of the new year, my year. Home doesn't feel like home and school is the place where I fail at everything I do. I hate it how I feel like I'm the only person whose life is going horribly right now. I know it's not true and many other people have it far worse and all that, but still. Life sucks right now. I can only think of like, two things that make me happy, one being music. But I don't know how far the other one will last though. Well Shelley just asked me what I'm doing for my birthday and I actually have no clue. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel so dull and I hate it. Thinking back, I use to be so happy when I was younger. Everything was so much easier. I really hope this year will get better, despite of the little stuff that's been going on. I need to boost my self-confidence and happiness and much more. I know I was gonna make a list of my new years resolutions, but I thought to myself, instead of just making a list, I'll just repeat it in my head and actually TRY to make them come true. After all, it is my life I need to take control of. If it works out, THEN I'll proudly post it up. Sounds good to me.

"Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true"

2010-01-01T16:08:00.000-08:00

"Never make somebody a priority if they only consider you an option."

2009-12-30T20:16:00.000-08:00

There are slight complications I think about lately, and it's not about school. Sigh. Anyways, I watched Avatar today and it was pretty good. Weird sci-fi stuff in there, but still good. I had a headache most of the time which ruined the movie for me. Plus I was kinda sleepy because I haven't been sleeping well lately. Always thinking, stupid me. Thinking too much is bad, therefore it is best to keep yourself very occupied and have fun so you forget about the bad stuff. Just saying, if you know what I mean. The new year is coming up and I will think of some resolutions that I will never accomplish haha, just for the hell of it. I wish my holidays were a bit more fun because tomorrow for New Years Eve, I don't think it'll be as fun as I wanted it to be for my senior year. Sigh. I like the song Lean On Me by Bill Withers. Glee did a good job with the cover too.

"Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow"

2009-12-29T11:30:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about school lately. I really don't want to go back. Maybe it's because I didn't start on homework yet. Man, I really need to finish this year strong. I want it to end already, but I really don't want it to. I know things are going to change, but I'm not ready for it. Sigh, whatevers. Well things are okay now. I think things are going back to normal. It seems that way. Today my goal is to work on all my homework so I don't have to worry about it this weekend and I hope to head to school later to paint the senior wall. Oh and I started to watch Glee. It's pretty good, but everyone raves about it a lot so I expected it to be WHOA. But still good, still good.

2009-12-22T22:24:00.000-08:00

I just recieved a letter from Emily and I'm so happy! It totally made my day. I really do miss her. She's one of those people you meet in life and you just know that she is truly an amazing person. So break has arrived and I feel so relieved, but also extremely lazy. There's no routine anymore. It's just drifting. It's great, but I sorta miss having a scheduled and busy life. I'm gonna be very sad once my term in ASB ends in January. Well I should say that school ended sorta okay. Planning winterball was hectic and I brought a lot of crap onto myself. I wasn't even focused in class because I was so nervous of how the event would turn out. I thought I wouldn't, but it turns out as I expected that I had a breakdown the day before haha. It always happens to me. I like to freak out. Daniela said some hurtful things to me and doubted our event. I talked to Tim about this and he said it is because we are the ones planning the event that causes us to have very high expectations. It sounds about right. I hope it is. Because I would hate to find out that I did a crappy job. The night came out rocky in the beginning. Most of us were late due to traffic and the table cloths were not the colors I ordered. The dance floor was slightly smaller than I had ordered. The extra room we ordered for pictures turned out to not have been ordered, causing the photographers to be placed somewhere else. And my makeup and hair was kinda eh due to a big fight with my sister earlier. And I was pretty busy in the beginning of the dance, making me feel guilty that I had to leave my date, but all came out well after the court ceremony. I enjoyed my night with him and my friends. I hope people enjoyed it and had fun. That's all that really matters to me.

So after that, break is alright. Not doing anything too speical so far. I'm excited for the LA trip with my bro and our friends. Then it'll be Christmas dinner with the family. I wish my sister would come home more often. I feel like she's not even part of the family as much anymore. I sometimes feel like an only child. I become envious of the ones who get to spend time with their siblings cause I want that feeling too.

Sorta tripped out about college today, but I was saved with a phone call. Ugh and honestly, eff sats in the butt hole. Well what's done is done. These are the things I MUST do. 1) Focus on current issues, like ap calc and finishing off school 2) Close my eyes and just pray for the best about college acceptance because what's done is done and there's no turning back now. 3)Enjoy my time more and have more fun because I feel that my childhood is ending quickly. I'm turning 18 soon damn it. I wonder if i should do anything special. Hm probably not, but I just hope it's just a memorable day for me. All my birthdays have been any other day, so it's nice to have it different this year for once. This is a long post. Maybe it's because I haven't blogged in a while. Feels good though. Many people moved on to Tumblr. I guess it's just me and Shohei who stick with Blogger haha.

2009-12-18T12:51:00.000-08:00

All is done and I feel relieved, but I don't know why i feel so unhappy